Not sure what why and how, but I feel terrible.. useless, sad, as if I’d better take my car and find the nearest tree…
I’m not sure what has caused me to feel like this, but I certainly know that the fact things are so strange at work, make me feel more unhappy and alone than happy and joyful.
In the year that I work here now, I never felt longer than a month happy with my place. I don’t know if this unhappyness means I should leave my job. I also don’t know what I should be doing then if I’d leave my job. The economic situation is currently so bad and since I’m junior in everything that I do, it will be hard and not easy to get hired somewhere. There are so many colleagues who are having a close friend, someone they work with but at the same time, feels the other one. From so many colleagues there’s not really anyone making that click. I’m too silent, shy and afraid and I am uncertain about myself, why should I be a good consultant?
There’s nothing of all my personality that is somehow fitting into the image that I have of a perfect consultant. How can I ever become one than, if I feel I don’t have any of those qualities?
Also the work that I currently do, in the year that I work here now, I have worked and saw every screen but the screens I should see. The things I applied for. The more I think about it, the more I feel like a terrible failure.
And there’s only one solution to ‘erase’ or get rid of that terrible failure….
I don’t know what to do, nor what to think or feel. But even in my private life, I barely have any close friends that I can talk to face to face. I do have some really supporting penpals, but whenever something’s wrong, I can’t call anyone to ask for any kind of help. There’s barely anyone out there for me.
The only thing that I wish for right now, is just the presence of something sharp…
… and that I can use it freely, without any doubt or anyone stopping me on my arms.
Just going up and down..
Until the pain inside of me goes away
Until it’s all gone
Until no one expects anything anymore from me
Until ….
You, just STOP thinking those things young girl. Life is a gift. There is nothing that worth so much, like ending our life. You, have to think in the god things that still exist in the World. And believe me, there are many.
Life is hard, and the dificulty is to live it; everyone dyes everyday, but the god thing about being alive, is that you can dream in many projects and try to do it. If you can’t do it, don’t care about it; at least you try it.
It’s so god to look behind, and talk to your children or to the other ones cildren and transmit everything we learned.
Please, don’t thing in hurt yourself. When you feel like that, get out of your house, go walk to a garden, go make some friends… Distract with what makes you pleasure.
Find new hobbies, sometimes we find new friends like this… Get a cat, or a dog, or even a fish; spent hours helping others and you will see the reason to be alive. Hugs. 😀